This is just gonna be a list of things that are annoying me today. Most days I'm pretty easy peasy, but today my neck hurts, my kids stole my paper towels, work is slow, my house is filthy and I kinda committed (in writing) to possibly doing something about that, so I really, really, REALLY need something to distract me from that.
Here are my WTF's for today:
1. What kind of idiots are having donuts and cupcakes at their weddings instead of cake? Seriously? Bridezillas and their partners-in-crime will forego a college education to instead spend that $100K on a dress, a ring, a rustic venue (that we all know is just a dirty old barn on a farm), a gross chicken dinner, and then say Here ya go, it's donut time! or Look at the pretty cake that isn't really a cake at all it's a fucking clump of cupcakes. Cupcakes? I know they're all the rage lately with their cutesy stores and their fashion flavors, but what adult honestly wants to eat a cupcake in public? In formal wear? In a photo? There's always too much frosting, the crumbs get everywhere, and it's impossible to look dignified while shoving this two-sizes-too-big messy confectionery in your piehole. And donuts? A wall with donuts carefully attached like a retirement home bingo display? Who the hell is eating wall pastry? Who in the world thought I bet if I put all these donuts on pegs and arrange them like a tasty abacus, it'll be the bomb diggity. I'm sorry, but I think even Dear Abby would agree with me here that you're gonna have to pay ME to attend your wedding if you expect me to eat wall food.
2. Vague social media hissy fits and threats. Stop posting pictures of sad dying dogs or sad dying children or sad dying ANYTHING and then adding, "I bet not even ONE person will dare to share this!" This is just modern day chain lettering and it has to stop. If you want someone to share it then say so, but don't get pissed if they don't. And if you know no one will share it, why do you think threatening them will change that in any way? Deal with the sad dying whatever if that makes you feel like a good person, but don't threaten me with bad karma if I don't give a shit. And speaking of me not giving a shit, stop posting memes or comments that allude to your drama, friction, anger, specific people. Stop making references to people who YOU know who they are and you know THEY know who they are, and of course you BOTH know that you both know it's about each other, but everyone else is clueless and thinks the more they encourage you, the more likely you are to 'fess up so they can bask in your imagined drama. And speaking of drama? If you are posting about how much drama you DON'T have in your life, trust me, you're a drama queen, which is the absolute WORST kind of queen of them all. Take your drama to Broadway and leave that shit off social media.
3. Things that cover up uglier things. OK, this is gross, but that's my point. I keep my toothbrush in a toothbrush holder to keep all the toothbrush germs and stuff out of sight, right? But what happens in that holder? Disgusting stuff! What's worse, having your dirty ol' toothbrush in all its hideousness out in plain sight or stuffed into a pretty ceramic dish that perfectly matches your garbage can and shower curtain, and is probably filled with more bacteria than your attempts to avoid by flushing the toilet with your foot will EVER undo? I also don't understand how any person who isn't living in a cave or a straw hut can puke in the toilet. Do real people actually shove their faces into their own disgusting toilets, at their most disgusting moment, at the ultimate pinnacle of nausea when even your own breathing may or may not make you puke? Even getting past the fact that you gotta hold your hair out of the way, even assuming we all have Mr. Clean and those little bubble guys just polishing the throne to a medical level of cleanliness, even pretending someone's ass wasn't JUST in the very same spot your face is now occupying, why oh why in God's name is the toilet the place we choose to upchuck? Suggest someone puke in the sink or even the bathtub and you get a horrified look of shame like you just admitted you pick your own nose and eat it sometimes when you're bored, but when you're at your darkest depth of sickness it's totally acceptable to shove your face into - bar none - THE most disgusting place in everyone's house. For the record, the Queen uses a puke bucket (literally a large Tupperware bowl w/a convenient handle and the words PUKE BUCKET written in Sharpie on it) and saves the toilet for sitting upon, not puking into, and that's why I'm master of my own domain.
Speaking of my own domain, I think the toilet needs to be cleaned. And now I feel sick. I think instead I'll just go post a vague and cryptic "I just can't!" on FB and see how much drama I can stir up. A queen is a queen is a queen.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
