I had to bid a fond farewell to a good pen of mine. Not only has it been a constant and steady presence in my everyday life for several months, it was also a friend to whom I could talk about anything and nothing, and it would never talk back, partly because it was the best kind of pen friend a girl could have, but mostly because it was a pen and it couldn't talk. I like to think in my moments of sadness it was really the former, because we all know when we find a friend who will let us do all the talking and never make us listen in return is the best kind of friend a girl can have. In memory of my special pen friend, I repost this pen-friendly blog. I will miss you, Purple Massage Envy pen. I promise to steal your replacement as soon as possible so you needn't worry about my writing needs. You have served me well and I hope you're in pen heaven right now where you can be all the colors of the ink rainbow, and where you never, ever have to run dry again.
Singled Out and Sick Of It
I just realized I took my favorite pen into the kitchen and now have to make do with whatever pieces of crap my kids have left me with. Kids (if you don't have them and/or they are illiterate idiots) steal pens, especially good pens. This in turn causes me to be an equally ruthless thief, stealing pens from just about any medical office I go to (those pharmaceutical pens are the bomb and everyone knows it). I had the complete misfortune to have to visit a nasty, smelly, ugly post office yesterday and even there I was eying the pens, but with their stupid fake flowers taped to them, it was obvious I wasn't the first to attempt that snatch so I decided to pass it up. I even picked up a pen on the ground outside a UPS store once because I thought it would be a good one (it wasn't, and I probably now have pen hepatitis).
My point (and I do have one eventually) is that I found a secret stash of pens in my desk that I received from a survey site. Excited to be the first to use one that obviously would've cost me a lot of money (or at least a very tricky five-finger discount), when I tried to write with it, I noticed it had Pen Stutter. The worst kind of pen disorder. It didn't work, but it didn't NOT work. It worked 50/50, which keeps you holding out for that percentage of time it works and unable to throw it away because of that slim chance it's gonna revive and be all that a good pen can be again.
As I'm examining my pen, I notice it says "Bic For Her." This really pisses me off. (More than the realization that it won't work.) Why do companies think women need things just for us? It's not like we're in the puritan age and our writing is this dainty curliqued beauty, meant to evoke a time when women did nothing but get hogtied into corsets and then sit and write letters all day with an ink quill and spritz a little lily of the valley water on them. We don't need our own special pens. We just need the pens that we buy (or steal) to WORK. This is why we steal pens. And while we're discussing things we don't need, please stop making condoms for us. We aren't wearing them, men are (or aren't as is usually the case, which is the reason why they're trying to market them at the only population who would have even a remote chance in hell of getting them to). Frankly they are going to be less enthusiastic about it if they know it's going to make US happier because they, obviously, are not. It's like making a child wear a jacket on a chilly day. Ain't gonna happen without a huge crybaby fight. Tell the child the jacket was handmade by Michael Jordan and tell the adult child the condom is made out of cocaine. The only way to ensure cooperation from children and menchildren is to convince them they get an immediate reward.
See, women don't need things tailored to us. We already know most things made "for women" are worthless and half the strength or quality of something made "for a man." That is why we steal your razors. Men, on the other hand, are selfish little brats who need EVERYTHING tailored to them. So give them condoms made for HIS pleasure. Give them short sleeved shirts with built in heaters so they think they're cool even when they're cold. And for God's sake, give them the damn pens made for HIM (which probably just writes in a big fat Crayola) and just let us women go back to what we do best: Stealing good pens whenever possible.
My point (and I do have one eventually) is that I found a secret stash of pens in my desk that I received from a survey site. Excited to be the first to use one that obviously would've cost me a lot of money (or at least a very tricky five-finger discount), when I tried to write with it, I noticed it had Pen Stutter. The worst kind of pen disorder. It didn't work, but it didn't NOT work. It worked 50/50, which keeps you holding out for that percentage of time it works and unable to throw it away because of that slim chance it's gonna revive and be all that a good pen can be again.
As I'm examining my pen, I notice it says "Bic For Her." This really pisses me off. (More than the realization that it won't work.) Why do companies think women need things just for us? It's not like we're in the puritan age and our writing is this dainty curliqued beauty, meant to evoke a time when women did nothing but get hogtied into corsets and then sit and write letters all day with an ink quill and spritz a little lily of the valley water on them. We don't need our own special pens. We just need the pens that we buy (or steal) to WORK. This is why we steal pens. And while we're discussing things we don't need, please stop making condoms for us. We aren't wearing them, men are (or aren't as is usually the case, which is the reason why they're trying to market them at the only population who would have even a remote chance in hell of getting them to). Frankly they are going to be less enthusiastic about it if they know it's going to make US happier because they, obviously, are not. It's like making a child wear a jacket on a chilly day. Ain't gonna happen without a huge crybaby fight. Tell the child the jacket was handmade by Michael Jordan and tell the adult child the condom is made out of cocaine. The only way to ensure cooperation from children and menchildren is to convince them they get an immediate reward.
See, women don't need things tailored to us. We already know most things made "for women" are worthless and half the strength or quality of something made "for a man." That is why we steal your razors. Men, on the other hand, are selfish little brats who need EVERYTHING tailored to them. So give them condoms made for HIS pleasure. Give them short sleeved shirts with built in heaters so they think they're cool even when they're cold. And for God's sake, give them the damn pens made for HIM (which probably just writes in a big fat Crayola) and just let us women go back to what we do best: Stealing good pens whenever possible.
