Not Spongeworthy

I was going to write a mesmerizing post today about the hilarious topic of...................

But then I changed my mind. Wanna know why? Because you are all in for a major scolding! No one is listening to me, dammit! Why isn't anyone sharing my blog and following me? I'm not talking about becoming my Charles Manson minion, doing my dirty deeds through coercion like on The Following (awesome bloodbath of a murder show with a healthy slice of Bacon on top!). No, I'm simply asking that if you read and like my blog, be one of my followers. 

(NOTE: I actually did write you a funny blog post today, so CLICK HERE to be taken to it now.)

I get asked very often why I don't write a book. The asker may be Jay 99% of the time, but my mom and sister factor in at a healthy 1% as well. Each time I shyly blush and avert my eyes, "Stop! You're embarrassing me! It's just a silly little blog for fun. I couldn't write an actual book!" (Maybe it's more like, "Don't be stupid. What the hell do I know about writing a book? You just want me to get rich quick so I can keep you in the lifestyle to which you have become accustomed.") But the truth is, I really CAN'T write a book - not when all I have to show for my amazingly wonderfully hilarious blog are 13 little followers. That's not a fan club, that's a litter of ducklings. And why 13? As much as I love, love, LOVE my followers (mostly have to - half of them are my close relatives), and I really love that a super cool fellow hilarious blogger became my latest conquest, and I don't want to be ungrateful, but...........I really thought some more would jump on the Queen's bandwagon so my tally wouldn't end at 13. That's not a good following, that's a very, very bad following. In the last two nights alone I've had both nightmares about spiders and Jay cheating on me w/hookers (he thought that was pretty cool). I don't need any bad mojo hanging over my head. People with 13 followers do not get published, unless they take their papers down to Kinko's and slap on a plastic binder with prongs to hold the pages in place. 

What if I try the guilt plea? Cue some Sarah McLachlan now. Won't you please keep just one single blog post from falling by the wayside? Could you open your heart and subscribe to being my follower? Please don't let these unnoticed blog posts continue for all eternity in anonymity. Help these blogs find their forever audience. For only no money a day, you can help a little blogger just like me find her way in the literary world. Won't you do it? Won't you please, please help?

What bad things do you think will happen if you follow me? I won't start spamming you. I won't be suggesting other sites for you to visit. I won't be doing anything, actually, except writing my blog as usual and (hopefully) seeing my list of followers spread all down the right side of my page. Really, it's not you, it's me. I want glory. If any of YOU ever want to see the Queen between two hard covers, then make me famous already!