devil in satellite horror (aka dish - the honeymoon is over

Ah, where to start????

First, let me say Charter RULES! I love,love,love them and will never leave them no matter what.

(For those who hate Charter, you're gonna have to get past that to continue enjoying my hateful spewage about all that is unholy, otherwise known as DISH. If you want to bitch about Charter, sorry, but it ain't gonna happen on my watch. That's why God invented individual blogs, so everyone can say whatever they want about anything and no one else gets to disagree. It's the ultimate self-love.)

Back to the Douche Network. My 2-year contract with Charter was over, and unfortunately no one could tell me what the new pricing would be until the EXACT date of the expiration. As impatient as I am, that wasn't good enough (though I would later learn this was a sign from God Himself warning me that my own impatience would soon bite me in the ass harder than any mosquito has ever had the privilege of doing). So......after seeing flyer after flyer and commerical after commercial about the hundreds of channels, free movie channels for 3 months, unlimited room installations, and the scandalously controversial Hopper, I acquiese. I was tempted. REALLY tempted. So I caved. I signed up and scheduled an install in a couple of days.

During these days, it came to my attention there were "contract negotiations" going on between Douche and AMC. AMC, if you're not already aware, is quite possibly (and in my opinion, which is all that counts) THEEEEE single best cable channel, period. Without Walking Dead and Breaking Bad to work out all my daily rages and frustrations, I can only imagine the horror that would be my household under such a hateful, vile regime. Remember the scene in Lord of the Rings when Cate Blanchett imagined how wonderfully wicked she could become with The Precious? That would be me without my AMC. So when Douche called to confirm my install, I asked about AMC. "Do not worry, Mees Will-ee-ums. These nee-GO-shee-uns are a common oh-curr-unce and you weel steel have your AMC."

Yes, my little "Whaaa???" antenna was up, but with the reassurance and the promise of thousands of channels and Hoppers throughout my Magic Kingdom, I swiped the caution away.

Fast forward a week. As a toddler with a Vtech phone, we were mindlessly enthralled that the new Douche remote actually operates TV, cable, volume, channels, everything. Hell, I think there was even a button for the lights and a vibrator (which I don't have, but was tempted to buy since I could now work it w/the remote). We oohed and aahed, hoping the fascination would overshadow the reality that the Hopper was a lie. (Not available unless ALL your televisions are HD, you've paid for HD, and you sign up for - and pay for - HD receivers. Betcha didn't see THAT blurb in the fine print of the commercial, didja? We also tried to ignore the disappointment that while we truly DID receive thousands of channels (literally up to 9680), 95% of those thousands of channels were informercials. I'm not talking 3 a.m. insomnia and there's nothing but you, the ticking clock, and the Shamwow guy. No, this is literally what our TV guide looked like:
01- Video on Demand
02- Network
04- Network
05- Network
29- Network
100 - Basic cable channel
100 up to 200 - Every informercial under the sun, including: She's 59 but looks 27! Juice for life! Bikini Ready in 10 Days! Proactiv. Zumba! Ninja Blender! Jewelry! Proactiv (yes, Proactiv has several channels all to itself). On and on. Interestingly, no Shamwow.

So there's a lot of weeding to get to a real channel, but a lot of nothing is always better than a little something, right? Until I tried to DVR. Guess what happens? You can't DVR AND watch another show at the same time. I will say that again: If you DVR a show, that is ALL you can watch. You cannot change to another channel. So here I get confused: If my sole purpose of using a DVR is because I want to watch something, but not right now, why the fuck would I want to record it AND watch it? Grey's Anatomy and Sunny in Philadelphia are both on Thursdays. McDreamy or McGang, but never both. What did the Douche people say about this when I called? "Yes, maam, you can watch two shows at once with the DVR. But if the show you're watching right now overlaps with the show you are trying to record, then you will get that message that says it cannot show both shows at once." Confused? You're not alone.

Stay tuned for the next chapter where we learn that contrary to popular belief (and also to whatever bullshit the Douche representatives claim), a Satellite dish + a little weather = No service. All the time. Guess where I live? Minnesota. Guess who has an assload of weather? Yeah, this girl.