If you know of anyone who meets the following requirements, please let me know.
The castle is in dire need to fill the following position:
Queen's Ass Assistance
The candidate should possess the following qualifications:
- Bring me coffee when needed. I use various K-cup flavors throughout the week, but only one flavor each day. You must be able to anticipate which flavor I want each day, and keep the cups coming. You also need to know how much creamer to put in (enough to make a swirl, not enough to turn it Michael Jackson white). Degree in creamology (knowledge of which flavored creamer goes best with each flavored coffee) is a plus.
- Must be able to undo all that my home-for-the-summer child pigs are doing. This includes putting away the constant pile of dishes left in the empty sink, watching for electronics laying around ready to fall into the black hole of sofa cushions, cleaning up silver foil from ramen soup seasoning packets as well as the ramen that is all over the floor and counter, and notifying lazy brat in charge of garbage when rats start circling the overflow around the floor. Also will need to do something about the rats, so degree in veterinary medicine or big game hunting is a plus.
- Must be able to take care of the zoo. The dogs need to go out at least every 2 hours. They will only go to the bathroom every OTHER time they go out, so will need to anticipate which outings are for business and which are simply to screw with you. You will need to keep their toys strewn about to a minimum, and be aware of which of the two exactly the same Huskie Webkinz is Puppy's best friend and which one is only for play. Advanced knowledge of Pavlov and animal genetics is recommended.
- Must routinely make sure the TV is not left to any Nick Jr. show, especially involving teenage girls with horribly annoying voices or boy bands. Lack of initiative in this regard is cause for immediate termination. (Literally. The voice of Cat from Victorious is enough to turn me into a murderess, so don't fuck this one up.) Previous experience with torture and subliminal message is expected.
- Attend to my offspring's needs. These may include getting them lunch, letting my 15-year-old take you out to practice driving, chauffeur duty to various friends and/or events, and/or nagging my youngest to bathe, brush his teeth, put in his contacts, change his socks. Prior experience with pig farming or daycare highly recommended.
- Attend to my mail and other paper-related shit. I just organized and shredded years worth of paperwork, so you need to keep on top of this. I get much too much crap mail and solicitation, so be prepared to be a go-getter and deal with that for me. I don't want to have to see any sad puppies or kitties in need of homes or my 33 cents a week, but I do want to keep the calendar and/or address labels. Be proactive in deciding what is trash and what isn't. Advanced degree in accounting and Sarah McLaughlin music is a plus.
If you meet the above requirements, you can expect the following benefits:
- No pay.
- No vision, dental, health, or life insurance.
- No PTO.
- No sick days.
- No time off, no matter how far in advance you ask.
- No stomping off pissed because it seems like all your hard work is for nothing.
NOTE: The Queen does NOT discriminate against any applicants; however, on the simple basis of obviously not qualified, men need not apply.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
