One night we were watching TV in bed and I noticed something smelled REALLY good, like cologne good, and it sure seemed like it was coming from my colognophobic man. Letting my Pepe Le Pew nose do the work, I asked Jay if he had cologne on. Of course he didn't. "What smells really good?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "Are you sure? Something on you smells REALLY good." I must've been getting a little predatory looking or maybe I just had my usual crazy face on 'cuz he kinda threw out a Hail Mary of "Um......I washed my hands." I started sniffing and he was right; the smell was the hand soap. I asked, "Why does soap always smell good on YOUR hands? It doesn't smell that good on me." I think he'd already stopped listening when the conversation turned to this:
Me: "Do you think a taxidermy guy could keep a human hand from getting all gross and decayed?"
Him: "No. Wait. What? Why?"
Me: "Because when you die, I'm having you cremated, BUT...........I'm keeping one hand."
Him: "Why?"
Me: "So I can keep it under my pillow and I can hold it and pretend the rest of you is here, too."
He said even in death, his hand would flinch at someone trying to hold it. Jay's incapable of holding hands with me. His hand gets all sweaty and he can't stand having our fingers meshed together. If I can stand to have him grip my entire fist like you'd hold a toddler's hand while crossing the street, then I can have it. Anything else and it turns into a mano y mano tug of war, me trying to keep his hand and him trying to run away.
Then he said (all perverted and creepy) that he knew the REAL reason I wanted to keep it. I said I absolutely did NOT want his hand for that, although....... But I don't think it would work that way. I would have to decide if I wanted the fingers bent in a hand holding position or a getting to third base position, because then rigor mortis would set in and I wouldn't ever be able to change it again. Unless he was like Stretch Armstrong. THEN I could do all kinds of things with his hand, like defend myself from a parking lot attacker and even pick up the dog crap without having to get my own hands anywhere near it (something I'll actually have to start doing once he dies). I could also use it to hold my hair dryer so I can hold the mirror and the brush all at once. It would make it way easier to scratch my own back, too, especially if he won't be here anymore.
I think I saw him later taking his will out to revise it. He's undoubtedly adding a "no leaving behind a hand after cremation" clause. Talk about NOT planning for your family after you're gone. He can be really cruel that way.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
