Some days when it's really cold out, I drive B to school in the morning. His school starts at the butt crack of dawn, so I worry about him standing outside in the dark in the cold waiting for his bus. I'm not sure how much safer it is driving him in my half-asleep, post-hallucinogenic haze, but it makes me feel better knowing I'm the danger. The devil that you know and all that shit.
On these days when I have to fully wake up AND venture out in public (a duet of accomplishments in my book), I reward myself with a Coke from McDonald's. Branden does not care for this. He thinks if I go, we go. Today when he got home the first thing he sees is the McD's cup on my desk.
Him: What?????? You got McDonald's???
Me: I just got a Coke.
Him: Why didn't you get one for ME?
Me: You don't need that much soda.
Him: But you do?
Me: It's bad for your teeth.
Him: What about YOUR teeth?
Me: My teeth are already fixed. Yours are still forming and need to stay healthy.
Him: But I don't have any cavities.
Me: Not yet you don't. I wanna keep it that way.
Him: How come YOU don't get cavities?
Me: Because I have fillings in practically every single tooth in my mouth.
Him: So why can't I just get all my teeth filled so I can drink as much soda as I want?
Me: It doesn't work that way.
Him: How does it work then?
Me: Don't you have somewhere to be?
I've never figured out how to decidedly state that all-encompassing magic phrase my dad was so easily able to bamboozle me with growing up:
Do as I say, not as I do.
Really, how the hell do you get kids to be that accepting and naive? How was I ever that accepting and naive? As an adult and a parent myself, I now realize that argument is absolutely meaningless and difficult to endorse and even harder to force. To this day I'm still trying to go back and do all the things I didn't do but wanted to, but didn't because my dad did it and told me that just because he did it didn't mean I should do it. Makes sense? Not to me, either. So for now, instead of trying to figure out how to get my kids on board the do as I say train, I'm starting with the basics: Tomorrow I'll be playing in traffic, blowing my eardrums out with too loud music, driving my car too fast (oh, wait, I already did that one - many, many times), and learning how to smoke. Do as Mommy says, kiddos.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
