My spawn and I went to the dentist yesterday. Six months ago, we all left with a suprising score of 0 cavities, which is pretty impressive when you figure they are three boys who eat like shit, drink like shit, have hygiene like shit, and right now are on my shit list, so whatever else I can think of that goes with them and shit is applicable. But again, no cavities, so we were all doing the happy dance (which looked more like the safety dance, but can I fault small children for having been blessed with no rhythm?).
What they HAVE been blessed with, however, is the ability to completely undo all the good they, we, and the dentists have done to date. Despite my own superpower of nagging and bullying, despite their own not so super power of having hormones and, therefore, the desire to somewhat appear not entirely disgusting to their peers, and yes, despite the dentist's superpower of fluoride, sealants, and shame, these three evil offspring of mine have managed in SIX MONTHS' TIME to undo it ALL. ALL of it. Every last frickin' bit of it.
I have to go ahead and stop right here and let my baby off the hook. He still has no cavities, no need for braces, and as far as I can tell, no desire to brush his teeth, but somehow it works for him. I'll mull that over later.
So, I'm sitting in the waiting room THOROUGHLY enjoying speed reading through all of the office's People magazines ('cuz NO ONE seriously coughs up the money for a subscription to that in real life) when I get the hygenist beckoning me. She has her surgical mask on, but she's also got that Grey's Anatomy "We've done all we can do" heavy sad look in her eyes. We go see that my middle menace has developed SIX cavities. SIX. All. From. Mountain Dew. So we (because it's always the mother's fault, everyone knows this, it's why Lifetime TV exists) get the lecture about soda and sugar and bad habits. The fact that the lecture was being given by THEEE world's hottest dentist still gave me no pleasure at all. Halfway through the bully beatdown, I get ANOTHER hygenist with MORE bad news. "The doctor would like to see you when you're done here about your other son." Fan-fucking-tastic. Parent-teacher conferences aren't until next week, so I had some "have another adult lecture me like I'm a stupid child" free time open this week, so why not? I follow her to where Branden is and brace myself. The doc looks up and says, "Oh, Branden's just fine. Looks great, no cavities. He's doing a good job." He then swaps that face for the Grey's "he's not gonna make it" face, gives me a heavy sigh, and tells me, "It's Ryan." I think, okay, it can't possibly be worse than Justin, can it? I mean, 6 cavities is pretty damn impressive for one kid to rack up in half a year. Boy, was I ever stupidly NAIVE! Ryan, my dear, sweet, almost adult manchild has so many cavities they cannot be counted. He has not only got cavities, he has literally ERODED his enamel completely off most of his front teeth. Again, Mountain Dew has destroyed my family's dentition. He requires 3 three-hour sessions to repair them all.
Sooo....other than trying to donate them to science or giving them away on Freecycle, I'm now stuck with these children, their disgusting teeth, and their dental bills (the funds of which are probably being earmarked for my insurance's company's annual corporate retreat as I write).
The kicker? We have to cut out soda. Wait, let me rephrase that. There can be no more soda in our house. No, that's still not right. I have to give up my fucking Diet Coke because my kids have fucked up their own teeth and once again, as always, mom pays the price. So this Queen is not pleased, and is going to get more and more DISPLEASED as time goes on, caffeine withdrawal starts to kick in, headaches develop, and overall bitchiness pervades my every pore. By the end of today, I will have a headache that will last for days. By the end of tomorrow, I will probably be pretty twitchy. By the weekend, I think I'll be looking for a contractor to build myself a guillotine out back just in case I decide it's cheaper than the dental bill. Stay tuned.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
