Sue The Dew

As you recall from my PREVIOUS POST (yes, click here to read it, do I have to explain EVERYTHING???), while I was enjoying the freedom of the many People magazines my dentist office has available (which I now realize isn't that expensive when they have clients like me who have a second mortgage on their house to cover all of my evil children's dental bills), I noticed a full-page advertisement for a class action suit. I personally think class action suits are despicable (and yes, I say that in my mind like Daffy Duck when his beak has been shot off and twisted around to the back of his head). This one was typically retarded. It's a suit against Skechers for their Shapeup shoes. Everyone knows what these are. They're stupid, ugly, thick-soled shoes with a rounded heel that is supposed to give your calves and thighs an extra lift as you walk, thereby sprucing up the junk in your trunk. Even better, they had Kim "I get paid a lot of money for doing absolutely nothing" Kardashian as a spokesperson, and who WOULDN'T want her big ass? (I personally don't, but hey - it's America. If you want a big ass, you should be able to get one). Also because it's America, apparently if Skechers promises you a big ol' fat ass like KK's just by wandering around your house and hood wearing these stupid shoes, then big ass you shall have. But.....since it doesn't really work that way (even though we all know whatever Kim says is gospel), there is now a class action suit against Skechers.

So this is mostly an informative post for my fellow readers who may be sitting there right now in front of a mirror, twisting around to see if their ass is indeed bigger. If it is, great job! It worked and you should revel in your accomplishment as you are one of the few lucky ones. For the rest of you whose junk still sags sadly in your trunk, even better news: You can join the class action suit. I'm not sure what you get, but the Laverne & Shirley episode where Shirley bought herself a hubba hubba hiney from a sex catalog flashes briefly through my mind. But hey, I'm not a lawyer, I just pretend to know everything on my blog.

Speaking of me, everyone knows my blog is about ME, not about helping others. So I'm thinking now that if there can be a class action lawsuit with thousands of angry flat-assed women who diligently wore their Skechers and got nothing out of it, why can't I organize a class action suit against Mountain Dew? Yes,I know it's crack for kids. Yes, I know it's got the highest sugar, caffeine, and probably cocaine content of all the carbonated sodas. And yes, as my children are all under 18 and minors, the blame falls to me for personally doing 99% of the purchasing of this refreshing acid-colored (and filled) beverage for them. But.....shouldn't Mountain Dew ALSO take some blame here????? Are they not responsible for telling us to "Do the Dew?" Are they not guilty of providing not one, not two, not three, but at least FIVE versions of their product to appeal to every single one of my innocent, tooth-rotting children? Does the burden of the long-term damage not also lay upon the Dew Dynasty's shoulders? I believe it does. I believe the Dew must do its part to make this right. Maybe I've been going at that whole "I want to quit work and collect disability scam" all wrong. Maybe it's a Dew Done Did Dental Damage campaign I need to get behind right now and make them pay for my children's goblin teeth. This will mean, of course, that I'll have to discontinue my political work for the current presidential campaign, but wouldn't everyone agree that the children are our future, even more so than who is the next Big Cheese in the White House? Do we want our future full of rot and decay? I think not.