So....I have a junior and he is turning into a money pit. Babies cost money. There are clothes and diapers and food and even cuter clothes and do NOT even get me started on the fake shoes that they don't walk in for over a year but are so damn cute anyway that each of my children owned more pairs that I did. Money? Yes. Worth it? Yes.
Teenagers, however, are a HORRIBLE return on an investment. HORRIBLE. My son needs money for EVERYTHING. They wear only certain clothes. They eat more than that skinny Black Widow girl at the hot dog eating championships. They destroy furniture, walls, windows, cars, and electronics. They require cell data and texting plans that are downright obscene. Oh, and they lose everything, including the fancy cell phone, the iPod, the $100 graphing calculator that is REQUIRED for class, their class books, the video games, and what little common sense they've managed to maintain. And talk about shoes? My Lord, teenage shoes (read: MEN shoes) are even worse than women's shoes. I can go to ANY shoe store and find a pair. My teenager needs a certain brand in a certain color in a certain style from a certain store. ONLY. There can be no wiggle room on ANY of those requirements. The only good news is they only require one or two pairs. The bad news is they are easily $80 a pop and within two days they SMELL. Bad. Like death.
This junior has now opened my mind to the financial hell that is still to come. There is prom. After my heart attack moment at the cost of the tux rental, it gave me no inner peace to see a piece on the news soon after that the average cost for prom is now $1400. Yes, FOURTEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. For the price of a used piece of crap car (which is another item that is nonnegotiable for teenage boys), you will pay for ONE night. My own damn wedding night didn't cost $1400. Hell, I don't even think my ENTIRE wedding cost that much. So I'm renting the tux and buying the tickets and hoping dinner isn't Ruth's Chris and that they don't suddenly require a limo, when along comes the next money madness: Senior pictures. All I can say is why is every teenager in the world completely proficient (and confident) in their "hold the cell phone up high and snap a picture of yourself in front of the bathroom mirror without causing a flash and also making sure to capture your absolute best head tilted just slightly to the side so a hint of a cute profile but no sign of a bad nose" photography skills, but for the picture that will be in their yearbook, I'm gonna have to take out a small loan? Scratch that: A really BIG fucking loan. I've been getting solicitations weekly for sessions and packages and will there be clothes changes and will you require the outdoor/by the freeway/pretending to be homeless/with a pet/with a car/snorting cocaine options? Will my child need 1, 2, 3, 4, or 200 outfit changes? Will I want "buddy" sessions? Do I want to add on a family session? What about with their sports/band/dance/Halloween costume? Session fees and package fees and "add ons" and bonuses and on and on and on.....I'm at the point where I'm thinking of asking the school to hold my son back just so I can have one more year to prepare for the entire concept of senior pictures. Wait....that won't work. That'll just screw me with one more prom.......How does that Gerber life insurance work again?
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
