Show Me The Money

Most conversations in our house are missing one or two critical pieces of information. This causes everything to be frustrating 'wait, what?' kind of talks. Not unlike recipes my mother-in-law gives me of her best dishes (and the ones my husband loves), I will almost always find that there are one or two key ingredients left out, or maybe some measurements are just wonky. It's like she's given me the outline and I have to do the work and go back and fill in the blanks. I've often wondered to what purpose, but I am more than proud to say I have bested her challenges and my copied versions of her recipes are fabulous, but she still gets a touche for her clever trickery. 

In-law gaslighting aside, my children and I are notorious for geting into arguments that make absolutely no sense. The less they tell me, the more I want to know. The more I want to know, the more angry they get that I'm not "listening." But the more I listen, the less they tell me. It's a "Who's on first?" bonanza often maddening enough to drive me to find that hidden bottle of vodka that I know is around here somewhere.

Now to my kids and money. Kids 2 and 3 always have cash. Kid 1 burns through cash like his pocket is on fire. He usually gets money when I transfer funds to his account. In 3's case, it's usually more change than paper money, but he has a lot of it. Kids 2 and 3 were just maniacally counting all their money on Sunday, so I know they're both pretty flush right now. Kid 2 especially, as he hoards money like no one TLC has ever seen. We're pretty sure he's running his own loanshark business out of his bedroom, but we haven't proved it yet (though we've definitely suggested he start charging interest).

Yesterday, two things happened:

1. My oldest told me he needed $5 for a project at school. I told him to get it from his brother (kid 2).
2. My middle son had a field trip today, so last night I reminded him to take his wallet because I put money on his credit card for him. For the record, he said "okay."

This morning, son 1 starts this:
R: Justin said he didn't have any money.
Me: What are you talking about? I told him he had money.
R: Well, when I talked to him, he said he didn't have any.
Me:  I JUST told him last night he had money. When exactly did you talk to him?
R: I don't know. Sometime yesterday.
Me: Well, I talked to him late last night and I told him to take his wallet because he has money on his card.
R: Ok, but how is that supposed to help me?
Me: What? Why would it help you?
R: Remember? I said I need $5 for school and you said borrow it from Justin.

Oy!!!!!

But this still doesn't solve Ryan's problem because he still doesn't have the money he needs. So I turn to Kid 3. "You still have cash, right?" "Yep." "Please get me $5 for your brother to borrow." He gives it to Kid 1, who says, "Cool, now I can give back all the quarters Mr. Dinobak gave me." I said, "Your teacher loaned you the money in change?" He said, "What? What teacher?" I said, "You just said you can give Mr. Dinobak his quarters. Isn't that your teacher?" He looked at me for a second and then said, "Mom. Mister. Dino. Bank." I stared at him blankly for a few seconds, trying to figure out if I'm really awake or if this is all just some hazy post Ambien action. Then it hits me: Bank. Dino bank. My son has an actual piggy bank that is shaped like a dinosaur.

Now where did I say that vodka was hiding??????