Always and Forever

I am very certain that too many companies of women's "personal care" products are being undone by some bizarre reversal of affirmative action, forced to allow men to do most of the marketing and product design. The reason I know this is because now all the maxi-pads have adorable little directions on them that say "front" and "back." Yes, exactly like on a pair of toddler's potty training Pull-Ups.

A woman sales or marketing executive would NEVER put "front" and "back" on pads. A woman understands that other women have been doing that balanced-on-one-butt-cheek-on-the-toilet-seat mamba for decades. We are quite adept at taking off the old and creating origami swans out of them. We can solve that Hellraiser puzzle box of how to undo the tabs, plastic, paper, and adhesive to get the new one in place. No, a woman in charge, if she was forced to put directions on them, would have put "this end gets stuck in the short & curlies" and "this end will bunch and be stuck up your ass all day."

I believe any man who gets involved with women's personal care is one step away from commitable. Any man who has convinced himself he could EVER understand how periods work obviously lives alone with his mom and probably has been conned into buying a bridge or two. Unless his slogan is a picture of Carrie covered in pig's blood at the prom and it reads "our product will never let this happen to you," I don't buy what men are selling. These are the same men who think, after all they've done to get into med. school, that the field of Gynecology would be like getting keys to the Playboy Mansion. These are the doctors who were thisclose to becoming dentists or chiropractors (still good at what they do, but we all know some had to finish towards the bottom of their class). Male gynecologists are the really REALLY stupid men who have been laid a whopping once all through college and they've decided going into the OB/GYN field is a fantastic way to sit front row all day long at a pikachu smorgasbord. Obviously no one bothered to tell them that while that IS technically true, the other truth is that every single one they see will be pregnant, diseased, or unwilling to be there but it's THAT time of the year. Hope you can still get your jollies out of the quick breast exam, 'cuz that's the only freebie you're ever going to get from that job.

There's a reason you will never hear the following in the Real American Heroes commercials: Thanks to you, Mr. I Added Directions To Women's Maxi-Pads. Because no matter what stunt Lucy may have pulled, sometimes there really isn't any 'splainin' to do. But thanks.