Epitaph Me!

Most people already know about the fetish Jay and I have (no, not that one) of reading the Sunday paper's obituary section. Sometimes it's to see who the winner is for holding onto life the longest, but usually it's just to make fun of how they've phrased he or she "died."

While listening to the news last night, I heard them say that someone had been shot to death due to mistaken identity. I told Jay, "That would really suck if you got murdered and I have to tell people you didn't even earn it; that it was for someone else. Not only are you dead, but you're horribly unlucky." Jay, instantly recognizing my secret fear that someone will get to him before I will, was appropriately reassuring. "Don't worry. I've more than earned my own murder a hundred times over."

We started talking about what kinds of ways we could "inform" people of each other's demise (assuming we're not a 2 for 1 deal for Satan to collect). Picture it: You're sobbing, hysterical, grieving. A friend/relative/coworker/idiot approaches with that most ridiculous of questions: "How did he die?" 

-The mob finally caught up to him
- Africanized bees
-Clowns
-Lobotomy gone bad
-Shanked ("Oh, was he in prison?" "No, why?")
-Rabid cats ate him
-Drawn and quartered
-Spontaneous combustion
-Running with scissors
-Bermuda triangle
-Icicle
-Side effect of Viagra
-Playing Frogger in his wheelchair on a busy road
-Safety dancing
-Black plague
-Walked under a ladder
-Land shark
-Rascal-jacked ("He was going to give it up, but he just couldn't get off fast enough.")
-Partying like a rock star
-Grizzly bear
-Messin' with Sasquatch
-Cell phone cancer
-The pursuit of happiness
-Moonwalking
-Hot air balloon
-In the rodeo
-High tide
-Low tide
-Red tide
-Greased Lightning
-Electric Chair
-Walking like an Egyptian
-A 3-hour tour

Feel free to try any of these if you have had or recently will have a loved one.....leave. Even death deserves a little humor, right?