Happy Endings

So, here's what I'm thinking.

First, I was thinking about whether or not it would be worth leaving the smear of blue toothpaste on the edge of my face all day long just to see Jay puke when he gets home.

Second, speaking of blue, I find it interesting that whenever I misspell the word doing and it ends up as dong, my spellcheck does NOT underline it in red as a misspelling, but underlines it in BLUE as out of context. So I have to try to figure out under which circumstances it would be okay to use the word dong when transcribing medical reports. Curiouser and curiouser.

My biggest pondering though, is about massages. I had a massage scheduled for tomorrow. Starting days ago, I was "preparing" for it. I first had to go through the male or female masseuse quandary. I wouldn't care about having a female, but is she going to be secretly noticing all of my flaws? I know I would, we women are just that catty. If I have a male masseuse, is it the same thing? Is it cheating 'cuz technically I haven't had any other man's hands on me since I met my husband other than the OB/GYN (and I was too busy trying not to fall out of my stirrups each time to care)? Secretly that would be awesome to get a free cheat, but will it also be creepy with a man? Will HE be noticing all of my flaws? Will I be focusing too much on whether I have an approved massagable body to actually enjoy the massage?

Then I noticed I hadn't shaved my legs since probably Christmas (no razor in my stocking, no shaving of my legs). I started to plan how far in advance I SHOULD shave. If I shaved last night, I would already start having cactus legs by Saturday afternoon. I should shave tonight. But that's really gonna eff up my Friday night 'cuz who the hell wants to be shaving on a Friday night? I'm sure it's unacceptable massage etiquette to show up hairy and then expect someone to rub lotion all over. Is there a 5 o'clock shadow clause?

Finally, there's the most basic female worry of them all: I'm fairly certain I'll be starting off my weekend with my monthly BFF. That is most definitely a dealbreaker and requires an appointment change to next week. At least. Then I find out I'm back to square one with a female, male, or OTHER male. Why would they offer two different dudes? How the hell am I supposed to know who to pick? Is one better than the other? What do I ask? Will Joseph be taller than me? (I don't care for short men hovering over me.) Is Mark the nerdy new guy who no one ever picks and if I don't either, am I just cruel??

Where does the whole relaxation part come in? As far as I can tell, the whole process has been one of the most anxiety-inducing stressors I've encountered in a while.

As I change my appointment, I think: How do men handle massages? They have their wife make the appointment for them, they show up, they drop trou, and they enjoy. End of story (or happy ending of story, depending on whether they went to Massage Envy or a massage parlor in Bangkok).