Every man believes they're not only king of their castle, but also protector extraordinaire. Ask any man what would happen if an intruder broke in, and he's got a ready explanation of how he would fight them off (always successfully). Never mind that you rarely hear of it happening THAT way in the news; apparently they haven't picked the right guy yet (as in, "They picked the wrong guy to mess with if they break into MY house!").
Most men, if they're like Jay, have a handy weapon stashed somewhere close by. For years now the "secret weapon" has been what Jay assures me is quite a dangerous tool, but what looks to be suspiciously like part of a shower curtain rod. If this were 500 years ago, I guess it would be his joust, but we don't go to Renaissance fairs, so I have no clue how he explains having one now.
The other night I asked him, "Why the hell is THAT thing by the bedroom doorway??" In years past, I had to only be aware that it was nearby, as in under the bed or in the closet. Suddenly, though, the Pole of Doom is right outside our bedroom door like a fishing pole waiting to be snuck off with. Jay says, "Because if anything happens, it's RIGHT there."
"If WHAT happens?"
"Say someone broke in and you need to defend yourself. Then you could just grab it."
"Why would I use that? There's a kitchen full of knives. Don't forget I just got that brand new cleaver, too. I've been dying to use that on someone."
"Fine. But if you get attacked by the front door, the pole is right THERE."
"Yeah, but the kitchen is right THERE, and so are my knives."
"Fine. Say someone came in through the bedroom door."
"Jay, this apartment is like 5 feet wide. It's still only another 2 steps from here to the kitchen knives."
"Okay, say you're rolling around on the floor with an intruder and you can't get to the knives. It's right THERE."
"Why would I be rolling around outside our bedroom doorway? There's not even room to roll around. There's the closet, there's the laundry bin, there's the cable to the X-box....there really isn't room for rolling and rough-housing like that."
"FINE! Say I'M rolling around w/an intruder and **I** can't get to it."
"Why the hell would I still be here?? Why wouldn't I have run away long before now? Isn't that the point of YOU being here, to distract them so I can run away??"
"Fine. You and Ryan and Branden ran off, and Justin and I need something to defend..."
"Hold on there! Why are you dragging Justin into this??? He's just a kid!"
"Because he's gonna be the last one around! When I tell you all to run, I'm gonna have to be behind you all to make sure you go, and he's gonna be the slowest and we're gonna end up stuck there 'cuz he took too long to leave. Hell, he probably stopped and offered the dude a cookie or something to drink."
So......Just a friendly little personal safety message from me and Jay. Apparently a curtain rod/pole vault/joust can be a weapon, but I would still recommend anyone preparing for a home invasion pay closer attention to where the kitchen knives are, and don't let the intruder drag you down to roll around on the floor, because apparently that's how they REALLY get you.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
