Halloween is my favorite holiday. Yes, I get to be a witchy bitch for real, but also the candy. I abso-friggin-lutely LOVE candy! And I'm not talking that cheap ass stuff that ends up sitting around here until Easter, either. I'm talking the GOOD stuff - Mini chocolate bars that you can eat by the handful 'cuz they're only 1 calorie each (at least that's what I tell myself).
Halloween is the one time each year we mothers have to sit down and really think about investments. I know I told you I'm terrible at math and that I don't take care of our retirement funds or stocks/bonds/mutual funds, etc. But.....at Halloween, you bet your ass I'm paying attention, carefully calculating down to every last cent, ensuring that I am coming out ahead in this free for all known on the streets as "Trick or Treating." You all know what I'm talking about. We do this every year. We mentally run the numbers to determine the costs versus the profit. How much candy and costumes will we have to buy to recoup that amount in trick-or-treating returns? If I agree to give out this entire humongous bowl filled with quality Halloween goodness, will my kids be able to replenish it with the efforts of their door-to-door harrassment?
Yes, I admit once or twice I tried the obvious get rich quick scheme. I bought the cheap sugary crap (though NEVER the fake "pumpkin" taffy!!!) in an attempt to maximize my profits. I was Kramer & Newman, desperately working every angle to get that soda bottle refund plan to work. In the end, though, my own conscience wouldn't allow it. How could I sleep at night knowing my bowl didn't contain chocolate? Could I contribute to the demise of Halloween by handing out those embarrassing subpar candies? Could I stomach one more disappointed 8-year-old Ninja's downturned face as he watched my hand dip into the bowl and come out with....Smarties???? I decided I could not. I may be evil and cruel in many aspects of life, but a penny pincher with Halloween candy I am not. Profits be damned; kids will get CHOCOLATE at my house and my bowl runneth over!
TOT'ing itself always makes me laugh. It's the one night a week that it's perfectly acceptable to be a beggar. All you have to do is pretend to be someone or something else, go door-to-door just like an annoying salesman, and on this one night your neighbors will overlook the trespassing and fill your pillowcase with candy (and sometimes Jehovah's Witness pamphlets). I know some people like to make rules, like you have to have a REAL costume, you have to be under a certain age, you have to actually SAY the words "trick or treat," and you can't come back more than once. For me, this is the one time where I'm generous to all with no strings attached. I would much rather see a group of 15-year-old teenagers walking around with pillowcases getting candy than doing ANYTHING else they would be doing on a bored Saturday night! And if I'm positive I saw that little Darth Vader already, who cares?? He's not gonna be bouncing off MY walls at 11:30 tonight. As for the magic TOT phrase, I think it's stupid and could care less if I hear it or not. All I want to see are little bags open and ready for the goods so I can get back to my show.
This year has been a weird one, though. Ryan & Justin are too old for TOT'ing, and Branden has shown no interest at all so far. (Knowing my luck, he's just waiting until Friday night to inform me of the EXACT costume he HAS to have, at which point I'm sure I'll be scrambling like a madwoman into every Walmart, Target, Party City, and CVS for miles.) We moved out of our home and familiar neighborhood into a rental where I wouldn't let my kids TOT even if Mother Teresa herself was our new neighbor.
So after much deliberation, my game plan for this year's Halloween so far is pretty simple: I've got my Bravo's 100 Scariest Movie Moments, I've got my big bowl of candy, and so far I've got no expectations of many (if any) irritaing trick-or-treaters to interrupt my evening of candy bliss. I will definitely be coming out ahead this year, and that's what this holiday is all about. Happy Halloween!!!
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
