Who are you again?

I really like Facebook. I didn't think I would, but I do now because I get to reign supreme over my own little Facebook kingdom, and in my mind (as in the mad minds of all maniacal monarchs) everyone is just eagerly awaiting my next decree, whether they're secretly hiding me or not. Because what's really fabulous about Facebook is no one has to read what others write. We can all hide our annoying friends, like the ones who spend 10 hours a day taking "How happy will you be in your next life as a butterfly?" quizzes or who type the word "your" too many times when they really mean "you're." Amazingly effective feature. Facebook makes it okay to be two faced.

What I do not like about Facebook is the chat feature. I've always been a very anti-chat person, I don't care what version it is. I do not like windows popping up randomly on my computer. I don't like programs that let OTHER people know when I'm online, and I hate that it makes annoying sounds. I work with voice files all day, so if you had to hear that stupid little "boop" each time someone added a line, you'd be pissed, too. By the way, when people are chatting, why do they have to hit enter after every single sentence? Chat can handle a paragraph, people! Say what you need to say and be done with it so I don't have to hear 5 thousand stupid "boops." Better yet, put it in a damn email! I keep my FB window up pretty much all day every day. If I'm online & working, FB is up. This does NOT mean that I want to chat. It does NOT mean that I'm sitting around sipping coffee, waiting for someone to just pop open a chat window and start telling me their life story. Who the hell are these people who start chatting up virtual strangers? Would you put all this in an email to someone you hardly know? Then why the hell would you put it in an instant message for no good reason other than THAT particular person happened to be online at THAT particular time? Get a damn therapist already! I don't get paid enough at my real job, I sure as hell don't need to add private idiot therapist to my regular chores.

Disclaimer: My real friends who chat with me can continue to do so. You know who you are. If you aren't sure if you are one of my real friends, please see the paragraph above and leave me the hell alone.

What I really love about Facebook is the "unfriend" feature. It's like the online community version of jail, and I think it should be used that way, too. If someone commits 3 Facebook faux pas, they're gone. If you keep posting your Mafia Wars lottery ticket numbers, you're out. If you tell me every single time you go to the store, you're history. If you keep taking stupid quizzes about when you're going to die (which might be sooner than you think!), then you will no longer be my friend. I like that Facebook does it with such class, too. You unfriend someone, and they get notification. It's like a legal divorce. "XXX has been notified." Damn straight. I just wish I could tell them why. Alas, like all good breakups, there are always so many things left unsaid......

What chatting IS effective for, however, is talking to my family in the other room. They've become immune to my yelling across the house, so I've found by chatting I can reach them without ever having to get my lazy ass up. It's also great for ganging up, like Ryan and I did on Jay when he was bitching about his inability to understand the computer (as usual). Jay was in the kitchen, Ryan and I were in our rooms. Jay was yelling to each of us to help him with something stupid; I wasn't paying attention. I pulled up Ryan on chat:

Me: Stop yelling back to your dad. Talk to him via chat.

Ryan: He won't. He'll just keep yelling.

Me: I know, but he needs to learn somehow. Just stop answering him out loud until he replies on chat. It's called tough love and he needs a LOT!

Ryan: He's not going to do it. He's gonna start yelling and dropping F bombs, and he's gonna make me yell back at him.

Me: Don't be silly. I'm the only one who drops F bombs, and I'm gonna start right now if you don't do what I say. Either he'll figure it out and stop yelling or he'll get really frustrated and give up. Either way, it's win-win.


p.s. Here's my helpful hint of the day to help remember how to use the two words: If YOUR Facebook page has been hidden, then YOU'RE probably retarded.

You're all welcome.