A Fool And His Money

Jay is a banker. Well, he likes to be called a banksta 'cuz it's just cool. (Yes he made up that word and no you cannot use it.) What he does in his job, I don't know, but I do know that when it comes to understanding the intricacies of financial terms and statements and documents, he's brilliant. We have owned 4 homes during our marriage, and I have daydreamed through each and every closing knowing full well he's already meticulously pored over every single document, line by line, and is 100% aware of everything in them. Every time we've purchased a new car, I pick it out then I walk away while he spends the next several hours verbally abusing the salesperson, finance manager, and anyone else they can grab to try and convince him to write down exactly what monthly payments he's looking for on their little 4-square sheet. I, on the other hand, am not good with money or finances or investments or any of those things. Why I am the one who handles OUR finances, I have no clue other than I don't want him to know exactly how much money he DOESN'T have thanks to me.

So. Jay is ranting and raving like a lunatic last night. "Where the hell is my money? I am so pissed right now! I am out $3000! I know I just got screwed out of at least $3000. I was keeping track of what was being withdrawn and deposited, and I know there should be another $3000 in my account that just isn't there. This is bullshit."

You think he's pissed at me or his broker or his 401(K) or maybe even a poker game gone really bad, but you'd be wrong. He isn't talking about ANY of those finances. He's talking about....................His fake Farmville account.

I kid you not. The grown man who handles multimillion dollar accounts for a living is seriously PISSED and truly believes that his farmer fucked up while farming and didn't get the money right.

Jay: I planted (whatever) and I knew it was XXX to plow and XXX to buy, and then after I harvested I still should have had $3000 and it's not there.

Me: Do you have all this in a notebook written down? (Jay is notorious for writing his own lists & notes for EVERYTHING financial.)

Jay: {very sarcastically} No, I don't have it written down.

Me: Do you? 'Cuz if you do, I'm closing your facebook account.

Jay: I didn't write it down! I'm telling you, I should have another $3000. And I'm sick of that stupid farmer being so damn slow. He just fucking stops and stands there when he's supposed to be plowing.

Yeah. He's pissed at his fake farmer self. I believe this is simply a cry for help for his own lack of personal financial wisdom (remember I said he lets me handle the money??) and he's transferring his anger to his farmer instead of to me where it belongs. But I'm not a professional therapist, so I'm gonna let that anger stay w/the farmer for now. I think it's safer for everyone. The farmer won't be leaving any children orphaned if Jay suddenly loses it and needs to run someone over with a tractor.

About 20 minutes later I hear this excited cry from the other room. "Mom!!! Mom!!!! Hurry and go to dad's page! Dad found the ugly duckling!!"

For those of you who do not Farmville, the ugly duckling is a rare item that pops up sometimes. If you find it, it goes on your page and people can see it and adopt it for a limited time. You, however, do not get to adopt it. So Ryan, Justin, Branden, and I all hurried up & signed on and adopted the ugly sucker. I heard one of the kids telling Jay that it sucks that he can't have it, too. He said (like a true father), "This game is all about giving and gifting to other people. The fun is getting to give stuff to others."

Flash forward to about 2 hours later. I see a friend of mine has also found an ugly duckling. I yell to Jay to go to her page and adopt it. It was 8 hours ago, so I'm thinking it might be too late since it's usually only for an hour or two. I click on it and it works; I get a second ugly duckling in my farm. A couple of seconds later I hear Jay yelling, "Damn it, it's already gone! Someone else already adopted it!" Justin and I look at each other and I'm thinking, "Oops!" Ryan comes in and finds out I've got it and Jay doesn't and laughs his ass off, then runs right out and tells Jay that I am the one who took it. So much for it being all about giving. I said, "Remember? You said it's all about giving to others?" He said, "Fuck that!!! You fucking took TWO ugly ducklings and I didn't even get one!" This might have been the first time I saw my husband look at me like he really DOES want to bury me in the backyard.

I might have to go back to Mafia Wars and put a hit on him. You know, for my own protection.