Friday Whine-Day

It's the start of the weekend and normally would be an awesome day, but I kept waking up all night with the same nightmare, and each time I fell back asleep I fell back into the SAME. FUCKING. NIGHTMARE. AGAIN. Is that karma? Did I do something to offend someone, and karma kicks me in the ass with nightmares? 'Cuz if that's true, I swear I'm listening, karma, and I offer my heartfelt promise that I will never, ever, ever again do whatever I did to piss you off. I finally gave up sleep and got up, only to realize my post-it reminder to "ORDER COFFEE" that's been on my desk all week kept getting overlooked (do they make post-it reminders for your post-it reminders?) and I still forgot to order my K-cups, so now even Amazon's one-day shipping isn't gonna save me. Also, I have to drink some nasty contrast stuff for a CT scan, which I know will be neither pleasant nor tasty. 

Because of the CT scan, here's my big rant for the day: I wish medical peeps would LISTEN when I tell them something has to be a certain way. I very rarely do this, so when I do it's not because I'm bossy (in that situation only, not life in general), it's because it's the truth. I try very, very hard not to come off as an "internet diagnoser" & I pretend I have no medical knowledge at all. If they talk about medications, I pretend I've never heard of them and nod like they sound like gifts straight outta Compton heaven. When they see I have migraines, I politely let them list all the fantastic "treatments" that I've already tried and don't work, and I swear to God I never rarely roll my eyes. If I know my feet'll be in stirrups, I try to shave to be polite, and I'm super quick at gowning on (as well as gowning off) so I don't waste any more of their time than necessary. Hell, I even use the stupid little paper drape around my ass even though the gown they gave me goes all the way down to my feet, but for whatever reason they act like I'm a cheap slut if the paper drape isn't bunched up around my thighs, like somehow it's the equivalent of trying on a bathing suit naked without the paper liner in it. And honestly, let's stop pretending it's any kind of drape at all and call it what it is - an oversized square Cottonelle paper towel that makes no sense at all to try to wrap around your ass b/cuz: 
1. It's SQUARE. To wrap something or even 'drape,' it must be rectangular. Nothing SQUARE is going to wrap or drape around my ass. 
2. I still have the huge gown/family camping tent on. You can bunch that sucker up to my neck and I'll still be modestly 'draped.' 

Speaking of shaving, I'm never quite sure what the proper etiquette there is. Does shaving project respect or does it say I'm putting too much thought into it because they're medical professionals and something trivial like that isn't gonna make a difference when they're all up in my girlie bidness? On the other hand, if I DON'T shave, is that considered a HUGE patient faux pas? Like right now I'm blogging about the rude things medical people do to patients, and someone somewhere is ALSO blogging about the rude things patients do to medical people, and shaving is in the Top 10? Is it a hazard, like the doc is speculum-deep in my innards and I didn't shave so he's worried about cutting his arm, and then he has to review the "dangerous workplace situations" checklist to see if contaminated K-Y from a Pap smear can combine with a razor-burn cut on the arm and cause a hepatitis scare? On the OTHER other hand, I think, screw it. If my own husband can't expect smooth legs during date night (and I LOVE date night with my husband), why the hell should I let the person shoving cold metal and lube up my hoo-ha have a smooth encounter? Maybe I'm wrong, but that's my logic. 

Where was I? Oh! When I tell them they can only draw blood from ONE stupid little vein in ONE spot only & they HAVE to use a butterfly needle, dammit, it's not a challenge to prove me wrong & find a better vein. It means I've been poked & prodded enough in the past to know I have the veins of a junkie & there is ONLY one vein that works. It doesn't mean instantly check my other arm or my hands. 

BTW, to all phlebotomists out there: It feels horrifically GROSS to have a needle stuck in the top of your hand. Really gross. And I'm not even a person bothered by needles. And if it's an IV and you condescendingly tell me, "You realize it's not an actual needle, it's a catheter, right?" it just makes me want to rip it off and gush blood all over you Carrie-style so you remember never to say that again to me, but I think it would be counterproductive b/cuz my tiny veins couldn't gush blood even if they wanted to and you're probably the same person who would have to re-insert it, so I'm restraining myself....barely. 

So two days ago I had blood drawn and despite my VERY polite suggestion that she use the same sad little vein everyone else has to use, this health care vampire INSISTED another vein looked "great" & decided to draw from there. Guess what? I have a bruise and a huge sore knot, which hurts like hell and only adds to my junkie rep when I'm out in public.  

I'm sure it'll eventually shape up to be a great day, but until then whining feels fantastic. Join me if you'd like. Leave me a comment (either here on my blog, on Google+, or on FB) on what's annoying YOU today. I'll join in your pity party and make you feel better, and then we can all get it out, shake it off, and adjust Friday from whine day to WINE day as the good Lord obviously intended.