I had no internet for a couple days because we're changing the flooring in my office and I stupidly took everything out, including my computer. The entire contents of my pigsty office are now flooding our kitchen and family room. I tried to put my computer back, and realized another stupid move - I forgot to label which plug was which. You'd think this would be easy, but my cable/phone/internet looks less like a technological connection as it does a homemade bomb. The tech on the phone couldn't even figure it out so I had to wait another day for someone smarter than both of us to come fix it.
Anyway, with no internet to kill any brain cells, I turned outward to observing life interacting around me. These are my thoughts:
1. This whole ice bucket challenge has just gotten out of control. Instead of raising money to help fight a horrible disease, it just proves that if you suggest a person videotape dousing himself with a bucket of ice to raise money for a disease, 99 times out of 100 that person will only see make a video of yourself being really stupid with a bucket on your head and post it online and won't read any further. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but we are definitely devolving, not the other way around.
2. Being without internet forced my family to interact more, and by interact more I mean actually be in the same room and talk directly to one another. Such unexpected behavior can lead to no good, as evidenced by the discussion Jay, Justin, and I had about the worst way to torture someone. We finally decided on a paper cut to the eyeball with a turkey baster filled with tabasco sauce poured over it. Pretty ingenious, especially when you realize while everyone else at the airport is having their shoes and laptops scrutinized for deadly weapons, you're slipping right past TSA with your allotted 3 ounces of tabasco, an eye dropper, and a troublemaking sparkle in your (so far un-paper-cut) eye.
3. People say God sends signs, and wasps are clearly a sign that God's secretly just a teensy bit pissed at us humans for the whole Adam & Eve thing. Or maybe He got past that, but He's still peeved about the not fixing shit the second time around after Noah and his world-cleansing party of two posse came through. Either way, God created wasps and hornets for one purpose: payback. You know how they say a raindrop is an angel's tear? Well, a wasp is God's way of saying you did something not good and He is REALLY pissed off.
4. You know that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you do something nice for someone? The one that makes you want to key their car the second you step out of the store? You thought it was a different feeling? Let's say you're about to check out at CVS and another customer's there at the same time. She only has one item in her hand and you have an actual cart because you're buying a week's supply of coke to keep your children well-caffeinated. You politely say go ahead. She says, "Are you sure?" You say, "Of course, I have all of these things and you have only one thing." You both politely smile and she moves forward and you look at candy bars. After some time, you start to realize you've been looking at candy bars for a really long time. You zone back in and realize that - as CVS has decided to no longer sell ciggies - she's been using her first in line pass to pester the cashier into showing her every single box, flavor, style, brand, and price of whatever cigarettes they still have behind the counter. You flashback to no really, you go first, I have this whole cart and wonder why it never occurred to her to reply no, YOU should go ahead because I'm going to LOOK AT EVERY SINGLE CIGARETTE THEY HAVE. Now do you know the feeling I'm talking about?
5. The USPS is retarded. They're still grasping at the hope that they have any relevance in this digital age. The rest of us saw the writing on the wall somewhere back around 29 cent stamps. Does anyone even know what a stamp costs these days? They're catching on, though, with their secret weapon, The Forever Stamp, that magic postage that'll literally let you mail a letter anywhere at anytime no matter when you bought the stamp or what the current stamp price is. They realized that no one needs stamps anymore, so on that rare occasion where you actually DO have to mail something, you have to remember to buy them. While you can conveniently snatch them up almost anywhere - from the grocery store, gas station, the CVS employee who's up to her eyeballs in marked down cigarettes - the problem is REMEMBERING to buy them. So while I've had a list that says BUY STAMPS I've been carrying around with me for weeks now, I still haven't managed to remember to remember the list. I finally decided to suck it up and just order them off their website. Wanna know why it took me so long? Because they charge me an extra $1.30 for POSTAGE. Yes, I need STAMPS to order my stamps. They're sticking it to me for forcing the mailman to come to my house (coincidentally where that same person comes every single day except Sunday anyway) and actually put the stamps in my mailbox (also coincidentally the same task that same person performs every single day except Sunday). So appreciate the forever stamp, but realize it still comes at a price.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
