No, not this one.
This one.
Maybe without quite the 'stache, but whatever.
Back to the shorts. So I'm a girl with a shaving triple whammy: I'm ghostly white, I have legs covered with dark man stubble, and my skin's so sensitive that any attempt to shave more than once a week just trades the fur coat for a red road rash. Obviously shaving sucks ass. I hate it and everyone knows it. I'm sure it's why I'm being stalked on Facebook by the Dollar Shave Club. Word's gotten around that I'm a lazy shaver and now the companies are trying to scoop me up as their brand ambassador. Unfortunately, we've been proud brand ambassadors for Maker's Mark for years, so I'm already committed (and that's a whole OTHER story to tell).
Again, back to the shorts. After all the subliminal "shave your legs" prompts, I gave in. People are gonna start to wonder why I look like I'm wearing black pants in summer anyway, so I'll go buy razors. I have to go to the grocery store anyway because we're out of food and the animals scare me when that happens. Never mind that THEY still have lots of food. I worry that when we run out of food, they start noticing us getting weaker and realize there are enough of them to form a pack and start hunting us down one by one. Maybe that's my imagination or maybe it's the new line of Blue Buffalo Wilderness packaging that tells them they'll turn into pumas and wolves, but it scares me either way.
Super Villain before Blue Buffalo and after. Yeah, I totally see it.
Back to the store. Shopping without a clear plan (i.e. checking ads and coupons) never goes well, and it ends with time standing still as I stare like Rainman in front of the razors, mumbling things like "3 blades, 4 blades, not 4 blades, pretty colors, 4 blades." Jay always asks when I come home from grocery shopping, "What the hell TOOK you so long?" This is why.
First, I have to see if any are on sale (since I skipped this step before I came in). Are they REALLY on sale or are they on sale with the store's coupon? Do I need to go hunt down the flyer for the coupon? If it says 2 for $10, do I HAVE to buy two, or is one gonna ring up at $6.99 if I don't? Is it that price because there's a rebate involved? 'Cuz that's total bullshit. Everyone knows no one sends in rebate forms. Hell, I don't even have postage stamps anymore. Then there's Razor Math. New razor or refills? I'm that person who has 87 razor handles but no heads because I can't do Razor Math. Buy the new one with 2 refills that's $8.99 or buy the refills alone at $11.99 for a box of 4? I'm probably good on handles, so refills, right? But WHY would I spend $12 dollars on razors? Isn't that obscene?? That goes with Grocery Store Math, where most things need to be under $2, and almost never should anything be more than $10 without convening the Senate for an emergency budgetary meeting.
Let's move on. How many blades? Three? Four? Five? That has only three, but it takes two AAA batteries and has a special vibrating wait....what? Definitely wandered too far out of the razor section. Tropical colors. Olay for sensitive skin. Curved for HER curves. Miniaturized b/cuz a 3 x 2 inch little rectangle is so much more convenient than a 4 x 0.25 inch skinny handle. Scented handle? WTF? A scented handle??? Someone please tell me how this not only got suggested - and approved - by any major company's marketing division. A scented handle for women's razors? Where the fuck do they think we're shaving, out in the woods on a girl scout camping trip trying to earn our happy hygiene badge? I'm pretty sure 99.9999% of women using a razor are in some kind of shower/tub/cleansing location, and I can't think of a single one that could involve smelling our razors. More than likely we're already in a place where soap's not only provided, but probably encouraged, so what the hell would cause us to need our razors to smell good? Are they thinking we're getting ready to host a party and we suddenly realized my God! there's no Glade for the powder room! and then, Wait! I know! I'll get my scented razor and wave it all around the room! Thank God it's the new mini pocket size so it's right fucking HERE in my back ass pocket! Cuz that's not crazy. A woman sniffing her own razor while she shaves is totes magotes, but hosting a party where she keeps running into the bathroom after every guest leaves to wave a razor around like a magic wand is just cray cray?
If you're wondering what I finally did, here's the answer: Nothing. I was already screwed with the math and the colors and blades. The scratch and sniff quandary was just too much for one hairy girl to handle, scented or not. I hear fur's making a comeback anyway so it's all good. Plus, now I have money to go check out that good vibration in the next aisle.
