I've had TWO, that's right, count them, TWO horrendously rude telemarketers today, both unsolicited AND unwanted, interrupt my afternoon as if they own Ma Bell and have no qualms about letting everyone know it.
First I had a call from someone from State Farm (alas, it was not Jake). This is how that call went:
SF: Hi! Can I speak with Mr. or Mrs. Williams?
ME: This is Mrs. Williams, can I help you?
SF: Oh, hi there, Mrs. Williams! What a great afternoon today. Listen, I'm so-and-so from State Farm, and don't worry, I'm not trying to sell you any policy or anything. We're just in the process of checking to see what kinds of rates customers are currently paying and if we maybe can't do a little more for you.
(Note that his first statement and his last were completely contradictory, which isn't the least bit surprising coming from a soul-sucking immoral insurance demon from the bowels of hell.)
ME: I'm definitely not looking to review my policies. They're fine the way they are.
SF: Well, I'm looking at your driving record for the policy holders on your current insurance policy, and wow but you have amazing history! Not a single collision or claim or ticket in the last 3 years. That's wonderful!
ME: (Laughing) You most definitely do NOT have access to my policy at all or you would know that is most definitely NOT the case at all.
SF: Really? I sure don't see anything negative. Wanna tell me what happened?
ME: I sure don't. Our policy is just fine and we're happy with the service that we have.
SF: Well, actually, if that IS the case with your history, then we can't even offer you that special review after all, so never mind.
WTF??????? Not only was he pushy, rude, and retarded, he actually tried to INSULT me for his own incompetence at not noticing our policy was very Swiss cheesey.
My SECOND call today was even more fun.
TM: Hi, is Mr. Williams there?
ME: I'm his wife. What can I do for you?
TM: Well, Mrs. Williams, I'm calling from _____ security company and we....
ME: (Cutting him off) WHAT company are you with?
TM: (Still talking over me after I was talking over him). Uh, we're setting up a system for your neighbor and, uh, well we, uh.....I'm from ABC security systems.
ME: Okayyyyy.
TM: Anyway, we're setting up a new top-of-the-line security system for their home and we really want to make sure that while we're keeping our customers safe from intruders, we're also ensuring that their neighbors are ALSO safe.
ME: Um hm.
TM: So tell me, Mrs. Williams, what would be a good time to meet with you?
ME: Actually, here's the thing. We have several pit bulls, mean asshole dogs if you know what I mean. They're huge, they slam into windows and doors to get to someone they don't know, and we've had some pretty wicked accidents with them. Plus, we REALLY like guns and have them literally stored ALL over the house. I'm pretty comfortable with our current security system.
TM: (Starting to chuckle) Well, Mrs. Williams, unless your pit bulls are trained specifically to attack people exhibiting intruder-like behavior, most dogs like that are very easily swayed by just throwing a cheeseburger their way.
ME: Really? OK, then let's do this. You and your agents come on by - pick any time of day or night - and you bring those magic cheeseburgers and see what my dogs think of you. And don't worry about the gunshots over your heads. That's just for YOUR protection for when my dogs get too close to cheeseburgers.
TM: Well, we'd really like to know when would be a good time for YOU to sit down and meet with US?
ME: Never. There will never be a good time to meet with you because I don't need to and I definitely don't want to. But hey - good luck with the cheeseburger trick. I'll be rooting for you!
So truly, the rules have changed and we have to change with them. There CAN be fun had with telemarketers, you just have to look for it.
Long are the days when a person could simply state, "I'm not interested. Please place my number on your 'do not call' list." Gone also are the days where an English accent was expected and all telemarketers went through Mrs. Simmons School of Social and Business Conversation. They didn't pretend to know you, your neighbors, your weather, or pretty much all sorts of stuff about your life. Sometimes it's eerie. Sometimes it's downright creepy. All of the time, however, it's a pain in the ass.
So.....the first action people take is the above "Please don't call here again." Guess who calls you TWICE the next day and FIVE times the day after that? And politely but firmly insistently asking to be referred to a supervisor nowadays is no different than ordering french fries and still having the automaton at the drive thru ask, "Would you like fries with that?" The common sense is extinct and we need to mourn our losses and move on. Should we still be able to remove ourselves from telemarketing lists? Of course we should. Will it happen? Fuck no. So don't even waste your breath. You've got bigger fish to fry.
When you see the same three letter acronym on your caller ID (and you have no clue who it is or what it stands for) you have a few different options, which I personally endorse, to eliminate those pesky overseas irritating callers. Follow my system (for the low, low price of just $49.95, and for ordering in the next 5 minutes, I'll cut that price in HALF to $24.99, AND.....I'll even double the product so you get not one, but TWO of my Queen's Book of Blarney and Other Shenanigans. I have no money back guarantee, but trust me, you're not gonna need it.
RULE #1 - Whoever the caller asks for, inform them they're not home. If they have the audacity to question WHERE they are or WHEN they'll be back, start letting fear and shame into your voice with statements like Oh my God, I don't KNOW where he went, and it's just me and the baby and I don't have money for diapers and I can't walk the 10 miles to the Pump 'N Munch** and HOLY SHIT! I forgot to clean his laundry and shine his shoes and OH MY GOD I think he just pulled up!!!!!
RULE #1A - For those not so easily deterred, begin suggesting places where the person MIGHT be. Good ones to keep on a list by the phone are:
-In prison
-On the lam
- Skipped town with that whore from the office and if they find him they DAMN better make sure and tell me where he is
-Trying to outrun an arrest warrant
-Crossing border lines with a disreputable coyote, and can you pray for his sweet soul that he makes it?
-Working on getting that restraining order released so he can see his kids and why the hell shouldn't he? What father doesn't have the right to see his own goddamn kids, for crissakes!
RULE #2 - When they ask what would be a good/better time to call/stop by/send some mail/sneak into your home, tell them that you have to worry about the FBI taps on your phone and that a safe house probably isn't meant to be safe for telemarketers.
RULE #3 - If you find after all of the above that the same number keeps appearing on your caller ID, you need to get a little hard core. I prefer to play this one passive-aggressive. When I see a telemarketer call, I answer the phone, put it on speaker, set it down next to me (preferably near a cat or dog who's chewing something that sounds an awful lot like petrified cud cow pies with some Bubble Yum in the middle), and just let the zen wash over them. The confusion over having dialed a real number and then hearing nothing to resemble an answer, a person, or even a civilization is usually enough to make them hang up that phone for the last time and hit the local pub at 10 a.m. on a Wed. morning.
Plus, you can always try screaming. Really loudly. Right into the phone.
Try one of these. Hell, try all of these. Just stop being the victim and start taking back your phone line, dammit! Those are YOUR minutes and YOURS alone.
** That's real, BTW. We lived next door to one our first year of marriage.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
