Don't Worry, I Got This

My children have money. All the time. All of them. Justin specifically has always got money. We think some of it might be insider thievery or he's somehow been working an internet scam locked up in his room all day. We hear him talking, but never 100% sure to whom or about what.

My mom asked me the other day if I had $5 in cash. My answer, of course, was no. My only form of payment is via The Magical Card Of Coinage, AKA my debit card. I never carry cash. Mostly because I'll lose it, but also because I don't ever need it. Except for times like this, when someone asks me for it, or if we go to a buffet and forget to have tip money for the bussers (a certain regretful Queen may have at one time left a $10 Target GC - the only disposable revenue in my wallet at the time - as a tip in said situation, which really seemed to be a much better deal than the $3 I was able to scramble out of change).

Anyway, I told my mom to ask one of the kids. Still thinking of my kids AS kids and not money-hoarding street youth, she laughed this off. "Yeah, right. They don't have money." I said, "Wanna bet?" Ryan happened to walk by at that moment and even though he's the only one of the three with a job (that we can prove), he's usually more like me - no cash, just his debit card. So I didn't bother asking him for cash, I just asked, "Does Justin have any cash?" Ryan laughed at ME just like I laughed at my mom (we are a family who very strongly worship at the Church of Ridicule and Mocking) and said, "Are you kidding? Justin ALWAYS has money." Soon after Justin came through and my mom asked him the same question. He said, "I got a $50 on me. Will that work?"

See what I mean?

We don't know when or how he started this money squirrelery. God knows he sure as hell didn't get this nasty habit from ME. Jay's good with  money, but since he married me, I'm damn good at making sure there's not much money to be good with any longer. Our first glimpse into Justin's secret investment portfolio was on a drive to MN when we still lived in NC. Coming into Chicago, we realized we'd forgotten change for the tolls. As Jay & I were frantically scrambling for change, from way back of the Suburban come the magic words of our then 11-year-old, "Don't worry, dad, I got this." and Justin chucks his wallet to Jay FILLED with change.

We've since become aware of his bury it out back in a sock habit, usually from birthdays or Christmas monet, and he doles it out to himself throughout the year. He'll seriously have leftover Christmas money in August. Jay & I spend paycheck to paycheck (and by Jay and I, of course I mean me but plural for the sanctity of marriage) and Ryan has so many holes in his pockets from money burning through he always needs new clothes (which I, of course, get to buy since he has no money). Branden also hoards, but he's still in the coinage phase, choosing to keep as much change as possible, usually counting it like Donald's Duck Uncle Scrooge in the most inconvenient places (like while watching SpongeBob in my room). I've woken often in the night to dig pennies out of my sheets, worrying I've lost teeth (my most awful recurrent dream) and that the Tooth Fairy's settled ponied up and whisked away with them.

The best thing about Justin and his money is his generosity. Don't get me wrong - he can be a total 15-year-old douche any ol' time he wants to be. But when money's involved or needed, he never hesitates. If you need it and he has it, it's yours. Branden would also lend his, but you're gonna need a big ass jar and a Coinstar nearby for that. Ryan, even if he had it, wouldn't part with it for all the world. Justin's good karma always comes back to him. He'll loan you his last $10 and a few days later he'll find money on the street or my mom will buy him a winning lottery ticket or he'll win a $10 bet with a friend. His "Don't worry, I got this" attitude has not only gotten us out of some tight situations, but it keeps him flowing through life cool as a cucumber, flush with funds and good to go. 

By now we've accepted that we'll probably never find the EXACT origin of Justin's cash. Maybe it's a pyramid scheme he's selling on the internet. Maybe he's robbing grade school kids of lunch money. Maybe he's gambling on the mean streets of Farmington, USA. We don't know and frankly, we don't care. He hasn't been arrested, we haven't received any Barbados extradition requests, and his sketch artist rendering has yet to be seen on the local (or national) news. Maybe we'll worry then, but probably not. He'll land jelly side up. He always does.