We have two dogs. Ginger is our beautiful Shepherd/Chow who is sweet and friendly....at least she used to be until her seizures started getting worse when we moved here. This also correlated with her change in behavior. That or puberty. Who the hell really knows? Prepuberty Ginger would be happy to see people. Ginger on the rag will bark at my own kids if they leave the room and come back in different clothes. She acts like the mailperson is a terrorist and she literally wants to eat the UPS driver. In the past, we could take her on vacations, leave her in hotels, drive her around town, and she was fine. Now, we wouldn't last in a hotel past check-in before they'd kick her anxious furry ass to the curb and us along with her. Of course, the coming of my adorable shithead Pups also was about the same time as Ginger's mid-dog-life crisis. In retrospect, we probably should've gotten her a Corvette instead of a new little friend, but we were thinking more Al Pacino and less Alec Baldwin. The two have bonded over the years, but during those years they've also fed off of each other's fears, so that now one can be agitated and the other wouldn't be, except that the one is so now the other is, too. (Does that make sense?)
About a year after we moved here we got Pups. And by we I mean me, and Jay found out he was the new puppy's baby daddy after the fact. Notice also that Ginger had a full year to prepare for the new baby. Also, since she's a dog and didn't know it was happening (and neither did Jay), there was no angst-ridden heartbreak of "mommy and daddy are going to love the new baby more." But we got him as a baby and, having already raised 3 boys who aren't completely embarrassing in social situations, assumed we'd do the same with Pups. Unfortunately, all we learned was:
1. Jay's vasectomy wasn't actually for fun; he really didn't want to go through potty training ever again.
2. We really don't know shit about training a dog, period.
Now, does he still poop and pee in the house? No. Is he an asshole to EVERY SINGLE PERSON he meets? Absolutely. We are now that kind of pet owners who own a yippy little ankle biter who everyone hates and they probably talk shit about him and/or us whenever possible. Together the two asshats feed off each other's anxiety, to the point that we're now banned from our groomers. I don't think our vet likes us much, either.
Then there's my parents' dog, my half-brother, Skipper. From the day they took him home, he's been spoiled with a capital S. They walk him. They talk to him. They fix food for him, and I'm not talking opening dog food and putting it in his bowl. It's literally cooking him his own food in a pan on the stove. He gets ice cream and yogurt, and not the fake dog crap you can buy in the grocery freezer. He sleeps with them. They got him a car shelf so he can see out the window during their family outings. (I don't recall either of them even caring one iota if I ever even wore a seatbelt, but therapy's helping me with that.) They can't stand to put him in his kennel or even leave him alone for 10 minutes. But........he is the most well behaved dog ever. He doesn't bark. He doesn't bite. He doesn't hate people. He walks up to perfect strangers and they love him and he loves them. He's the Ghandi of dogs, whereas mine are the two grumpy old Muppets who would sit up in the balcony and trash talk everyone.
He's the kind of dog you take to the hospital to visit sick children. Mine are the dogs who end up in Sarah McLaughlin commercials. Skippy's only downfall is his fascination with cats and it bothers him that none come close enough for him to examine. Bothers, but always calm.
Yesterday they were all sitting nicely in the living room with me and my mom. Suddenly, they're ALL barking. ALL THREE. I'm trying to yell at my two dogs and my mom is trying to yell at Skippy. We can't figure out why the freakout is going on. No one's at the door. No one walked by out front. No one's coming up or down the stairs. There's no one, period. After a few moments of this yipping and growling mob mentality, my mom finally looks up and says, "Oh, geez. Look!" She points towards what I think is the front door. I see nothing. "What is it? Is someone there?" She says, "No, look here!" I finally figure out she's pointing at the TV, and there is it. An informercial for a cat toy, with lots and lots of cats running around the TV screen. Skippy, the little angel, is the instigator (being the only one interested in cats and also the one who watches daytime TV). He can't stop barking at the TV cats, Ginger can't stop barking because Skippy's barking, and Pups can't stop barking because they're all barking and he's an asshole, anyway, so any reason to bark is a good reason.
I've decided the only solution is to get a cattle prod. It's the only way I can think of to shut everyone up who is barking without having to get up from the couch. Since I can also reach Jay and the boys with it (and yes, even my mother when necessary), I expect this will be one of those gifts that just keeps on giving. And I will be pleased.
