Only The Lonely

Facebook, the lord of matchmaking, the bringer of friends together, the social god of connectedness, is starting to butt into my social life. 

I think I've found maybe ONE person I might want to be friends with that Facebook suggests to me. Mostly I find a long list of people I don't know, barely know, or have no idea who they might even be. I just noticed FB has been awfully pushy about keeping that list going, almost to the point of stalking me. Either I already have all the friends left to friend or Facebook thinks I'm an absolute social retard and that I need immediate intervention. There are suggestions of people with whom I have 1 or 2 mutual friends. These are usually people who are friends of a friend of a Facebook acquaintance; therefore, NOT friends of mine. They are strangers. That's the exact opposite definition of friend, so WTF, Facebook? They are no more friends of mine than a fellow shopper at Target would be (although we DEFINITELY have a good friend in common and I would welcome that person into the fold with open (virtual) arms). 

I think what really bugs me is Facebook's audacity. Who do they think they are, match.com? Does my status say single, interested, it's complicated? Do I seem to have an excessive amount of page likes and apps that statistically narrow me into a "pathetic and lonely" category? Why, Facebook? I have more than enough friends. I've never made a "Is anyone out there?" pitiable post. I get Happy Birthday'd when it's my time. Frankly, I'm full of friends up to my ass and don't need any extras. On the rare occasions when I do go seeking a friend for the end of the world (I would never do that; I really do have my own friends for the end of the world), I would still like the option of playing hard to get like any smart cookie would. Why shouldn't these winners be requesting to be MY friend first if we have so much in common? How do I know Facebook didn't already suggest ME to THEM and they thought, "Ummmm.....thanks, but no thanks." ???? Might I already have suffered serious snubbing, and to request friendship now would be no better than a band geek* trying to befriend the prom queen? 

I don't know. What I do know is I don't want to know. Them. These nameless, faceless, unknown potential friends. This bitch's dance card is more than full already, but thanks for (not) asking.

*No actual band geeks attempted to befriend any prom queens during the creation of this post.