Trick or Treat, obviously! What'd you think I meant, the age limit to vote? God knows we need as many of those stupid new adults to vote as possible or we'd be outvoted by the old folks who get shipped to the polls in party vans, whipped up into a frenzy after a night full of strip bingo and high on Aspercreme (inhaled, not snorted).
No, I'm talking about the yearly debate of whether or not teenagers should be allowed to trick or treat on Halloween and, even more serious of an issue, should they be required to dress up? I know many people believe, this being America after all, that it's their constitutional right to deny candy to anyone trick or treating at their home without a costume or as a teenager, or both. As with the logic behind no gay marriages, it's really got no factual or moral basis other than the old and often used standby of "I just don't like it." Well, guess what, fellow citizens? I don't like having to hear someone use the word 'moist' on TV, but there are some bigotries you just have to let go of and move on.
My youngest is still very easily in the acceptable age of TOT'ers. Now that I have two boys in high school, they're definitely firmly ensconced in that OTHER geographic group that parents with younger kids think is much too old. They also believe no costume = no candy. Here's why these arguments hold no water:
1. Costumes are ridiculously expensive. There are no more $10 plastic cowboy, fire fighter, princess, or doctor costumes. Why? Because no kid wants to be those. They're stupid (the costumes) and they don't care that it's a smart investment to reap more than $10 worth of candy rewards (making the kids stupid, too). This is the generation of kids who want newer, better, cleverer. They want the IT costume, and nothing else will do. It's Cabbage Patch Kids frenzy, but with the need for instant gratification and the ability to look at merchandise on their phone and inform US that it actually IS in stock right this minute. This is similar to the dilemma with college: Sure, we all want our kids to be well educated and prepared for life and careers. But at $60K for a state school? Parents are forced to decide which of their children stands the best chance at actually turning that gamble into a good investment or risk paying for 10 years on half a degree (which is never a box to check on "highest education received."). The other option (one I'm trying to work the kinks out of as we speak) is to find a way to get your first college kid through the system, get the degree, then somehow clone his mind (and his degree) to then share with your other children. It's your typical buy 1 drive-in ticket and sneak 2 people in the trunk inside for free. Why should I have to buy 3 separate costumes just so all of my kids can get free candy? Seeing as most people are still on the cheapass bandwagon of "Ooh, the sweet tarts mix bag is only $3!" I think the $40 price tag of an adult Angry Birds costume I just saw at Target isn't quite worth it. Toddlers and small children - You might still be able to sneak in with a $20 costume and your kid is thrilled. As they get closer to double digits, they start to get picky and expensive. My children would gladly all dress up, even my high school senior, but I would not gladly buy him a man's costume at Party City for $100.
2. What else are preteens and teens going to be doing on Halloween if they're not TOT'ing? This is my biggest pet peeve. It's a night where EVERYONE in town has something to do with TOT'ing and is getting free candy. I don't care what town you're in (I guess except Children of the Corn town and whatever Illinois town Michael Myers lived in), you're participating and you're feeding the sugar rush. Either you're the parent taking the kids (and eating their candy), or you're the parent staying home handing out candy (and eating the candy), or you're the kid TOT'ing (and getting free candy). So where does that leave preteens and teens? Alone with time to kill, kids to harrass, and a sugar withdrawal that is probably working its way up to a frenzy. Would you rather they come to your door and take a piece of candy, or sneak up to your house and smash your pumpkin/stomp on your garden/terrorize the little kids/TP your yard/light a bag of turds on fire on your porch? There's a reason it's called Trick or Treat people. No treat = a trick. Just give the damn teens the stupid Smarties or extra-long Tootsie Roll already and send them on. And if you're that rare neighbor who has the REALLY good stuff (not to brag, but yeah, that's me), not only will you avoid any insurance claims tomorrow, you'll also be the talk of the neighborhood and be revered by teens as The Cool House. Don't we all want that for ourselves? To be The Cool House? Of course we do. Especially those people who aren't cool at all and really never were. Here's your chance at redemption.
3. Finally, the most convincing argument of all: At some point, the people with small children are going to be parents with OLDER children (and trust me, they WILL get older), and they're also going to be forced to deny their child their American right to free candy from anyone with a doorbell or a decoration or else.....they will finally see the light of the true American way and realize candy should be for everyone, regardless of age, sex, height, weight, costume, or no costume. Whether they walked or drove to your front door shouldn't make any difference; they're old, they're bold, and they want free gold (gold candy, that is; sorry, it didn't work in my head, either, but I couldn't think of anything else to rhyme with old and bold).
Bottom line: Don't be a jackass. You can be a cheapass on Halloween, but don't be a jackass. Think WWJD? and welcome all who approach - be they lepers or whores or teenagers - with open arms, and give them some damn candy already (p.s. next year work harder to avoid the cheapass tag and buy some damn chocolate!).
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
