Vagina Day

Honestly. Isn't that really what it is? A day perpetuated by Hallmark and Precious Moments and Victoria's Secret and every other girl-only shop that never ever gets a male customer to cross the threshold until that one mad scramble every single year during the week of February 14th from each and every man with a grandmother, mother, sister, lover, girlfriend, fiance, wife, even female coworker who keeps hinting that she would LOVE her cubicle candy dish to be filled up when she gets in the office today. All in the hopeful, yet completely unlikely chance that the magic of your ~ ahem ~ thoughtfulness will break the seal on the chastitiy belt for you.  

People, I am here to free you of this horrible, costly, never done correctly, frenetic and frantic scavenger hunt (and no, the "thought" most definitely does not count, just like "size" really does matter). It's all untrue. The shelves brimming with red and white and pink and hearts and bears and chocolates and cards are all UNWANTED. We don't want ANY of those! If you seriously thought you knew us, then you would know we women want a box of chocolates that is gold and says Godiva across the front. If you think we would like some lingerie from Victoria's Secret, you're a dumbass because you should already know nothing in the store is going to fit because they only sell sizes 0, 1, 2, and Gisele. What the fuck do you really think grown women want with stuffed animals? Do you want us to put it on the bed that coincidentally YOU can't stand seeing cluttered with throw pillows? How's that feel? And the Hallmark cards are the absolute worst. Not only did you waste at least 10-15 minutes looking through every single card trying to find the one that defines OUR relationship (and at least 5 minutes vacillating between that card and ANOTHER card that is just stupid Far Side humor, but you're feeling lucky and thinking, "She'll totally appreciate that becuase she loves my sense of humor." - Trust me, she won't.) but you are going to walk out of there having spent $5 on a piece of cardboard with a few verses of some famous dead poet's words. Yes, they sound pretty because they were written by a professional! We want real words, YOUR words, written or said, engraved or sung (maybe not sung), but all we want is for one stupid ass day of the year to feel like you cared so much you couldn't wait to say it and display it. Why do you think we've been raising you stupid cromagnon men from childhood learning about show and tell? It's to prepare you for the future, dipshits!.

One of MY personal favorite lines of verse fit Valentine's Day VERY well. It's from a Christina Aguilera song.

One day I'm a superbitch, up to my old tricks, but it won't last forever
Next day I'm you're supergirl, out to save the world, and it keeps gettin' better.

That's what you want to tell your Valentine. Tell her she is THAT woman, and I guarantee the chastity belt lock will be undone faster than you can mumble, "You know I love ya, baby." If you hurry, you can still buy it off iTunes and just maybe save your pathetic Vagina Day after all. Maybe.