Read The Fine Print

I read everything. Not just nutritional content on food packages. I read everything on every package everywhere. I read magazines cover to cover (including letters to the editor). I read shampoo bottles and try to pronounce those 50-letter chemical words out loud. I read the tiny fine print at the bottom of commercials that tells you the exact opposite of what the commercial just promised. I wonder if anyone ever calls any of the "Got questions?" numbers on packages, and exactly what kind of question would be SO pressing that you actually call about it?

Here are some of my recent faves:
-The lightbulb package says that if my bulb doesn't last 5 years, I can have my money back. I just have to return the light bulb, the original packaging, and my original register receipt. Because I kept all of those things, right? And how exactly does one package a defective light bulb for return? What would postage cost? And how do I know they're not going to tell me, "Sorry, your bulb was fine, but it broke when you mailed it to us."?????

-The specialty puppy spray detangler I bought to try to figure out which end is actually the puppy's ass says that it "wasn't tested on animals." Who DID they test it on?

-My toothpaste tube actually comes with directions for using the toothpaste. It also has a questions phone number, I guess for those who had trouble with the "For best results, squeeze from bottom of tube" instructions.

- The bottle of pills to try to stop my puppy from eating his own poop says, "For animal use only." Does that mean there are people out there who eat their own poop, too? Wouldn't we WANT to medicate them????

- The antibacterial gel not only says to keep out of eyes, as if I might think my eyes are germy, but it also says it will leave my hands (not my eyes) feeling "virtually germ-free." How do I know the difference between feeling virtually germ-free versus absolutely 100% completely germ-free?

- Chapstick also highly discourages applying to eyes. Who are these freaks who keep sticking shit in their eyes?

- Surprisingly, both Corn-Nuts AND Skippy Peanut Butter actually state on the package (in bold) "Contains nuts."

- Ghirardelli candy wrapper says I should write to them for nutrition information. I'm pretty sure that reply will come 6-8 weeks later and say simply, "None." And do they really think I won't eat the damn thing before I get my answer?