Ugly Kids Should Be Illegal

I will probably get a lot of negative response for this one ('cuz you guys are soooooo overwhelmingly responsive to any of my posts and yes, that's me rolling my eyes) but I think it should be illegal for people to have ugly kids in public.

I believe 100% that some kids just aren't attractive (and it often happens to celebrities' kids, which is why I think there's more inbreeding going on there than we realize). Some kids are truly adorable. That little chubbo daughter Stick Figure Beckham Wife has been carrying around is a good one. That little Kardashian-Dickhead (I'm not sure how to spell his last name) is not. He is an uggo. You can dress him in $4000 Ferragamo loafers and hand tailored mini pimp suits just like his daddy, and he's still an ugly child.

I also realize that this radical viewpoint may seem improper since I have my own kids and one could posit that maybe they're not as cute as I think. But here's the clincher - I KNOW they're cute. It has nothing to do with my maternal instinct or the pride that comes from knowing each of them has a little piece of me (and assumably Jay). No, it comes from comparing them to the unattractive kids of the general population and having my assessment confirmed. My kids are cute. However, A LOT of uncuties are just running free in society, spreading their hideousness like a Playskool cancer.

I was especially horrified at Christmas when I found page after page of truly gruesome kids in all the shopping ads. I almost had to scream in horror before turning away, forever turned off at the thought of ANY Black Friday purchase if it meant there was even a miniscule chance I might run into one of those goblins at the store.

My middle son had to do a self-portrait in art and it was amazing, both in artistic quality and in beauty. Jay wanted to know what grade he got and I wondered: Exactly how do you get a BAD grade on a self-portrait? Can you lose points for unattractiveness? Did some kids finally get their deserved comeuppance that they are NOT equal to other kids and they should seriously request homeschooling for everybody's sake???

Everyone reading this far need not hurry and see if their children are up to par. There's really no point. You can't undo ugly, and you can't undo the years you might have already invested making your child (and yourself) convinced of their unearned cuteness. Since it's technically still legal for ugly kids to be in public, just flaunting their gremlin features for the whole world to see, I would suggest you start getting used to back-handed compliments like "classical features and handsome face" (for girls). Your male slugs will do well to accept "so much character" and "what charm" as their few positive reinforcements. There was a reason the Elephant Man's face was under a mask. It wasn't to be cruel to him. It was to be merciful to the rest of us. 

Disclaimer: All of the ugly children mentioned in this blog are fictional and bear absolutely no resemblance to real kids, ugly or otherwise. If you think this is directed at you, it is not. If you think it's directed at someone who you believe has ugly children, it is.