This should technically have been the blog post before the one about the cats and the trees, but sometimes my mind starts at the finishing point and has to backtrack all the way to the starting point, and then working my way forward (which is actually backward if you're really paying attention) can cause me to veer off onto other tangents along the way. This is often the case when I will say something like, "That reminds me, I need to buy deodorant." and Jay will say, "What reminds you? We were talking about the Tiger Woods scandal??" Not that we would really be talking about the Tiger Woods scandal, but you know what I mean. Don't you?
We have had a beautiful artificial tree for the last few years, one of my many proud online shopping deals (that reminds me, I need olives). The tree is easy - it has its own stand, it's already strung with lights, it even has a friggin' remote (though we never quite figured that out and I don't even think we have it anymore, and come to think of it, that might explain why I could never get the DVD player to work). But the tree, alas, like all else we own, is in storage. So yesterday we made the pilgrimage to The Land of the Lost, globally known as Walmart, to get (among other things) a tree stand. Being that it's now halfway through December and the retailers all began selling Christmas crap back in July, they were down to one brand only. It didn't look like the stands we remembered, but it's been a while.
On our way home we stopped at the tree lot & bought our tree. As the owner (tree man? tree picker? tree murderer??) was getting the bottom ready he asked us if we knew how big our stand was. Jay went to get it out of the car, and it was at this point we finally noticed the label "for artificial trees only." Fantastic. Even better was when the guy told us that others had told HIM they couldn't find any tree stands anywhere at ALL. We had a good laugh at our dorkiness and the absurdity of not finding a real stand, and he joked that if all else failed, we could stick it in a plantar pot with gravel around it. We laughed that we actually DID have a plantar pot on our porch and how funny would THAT be? As we got in the car, I told Jay, "How funny would it REALLY be if we stuck it in the pot & used the cat & dog poop to prop it up??"
I have to explain: We live in the absolute very, very back of a heavily wooded complex. The garbage dumpsters are at the very, very front of the complex. It is a drive. We have a dog who we are very good about cleaning up after, and obviously we have the cats. We are not going to leave that funk anywhere IN the house, but we also aren't going to be trekking off on mile-long hikes each time a critter has to go, if you know what I mean. So the plantar pot on the back porch is basically our version of a doggy diaper pail for the tied up icky bags of animal crap. When it's full, which is usually within a couple of days, we transfer it to a garbage bag to take to the dumpster.
After Jay made one failed attempt later that day to try the one remaining store the tree guy (murderer?? environmentalist??) had not mentioned, I saw him out on the back porch putting the tree in the plantar pot. I thought, "Good idea. Why the hell not??" I then watched, at first with rolling eyes, and then with disbelief, and finally breaking down, literally rolling on the chair doubled over in snorting laughter, as yes indeed he propped the tree up with the poop bags.
As he stood there triumphantly, arms raised in the universally victorious stance of the champion, all I could do was laugh. We'll call it the pre-fertilizing environmentally correct solution to the real tree/fake tree dilemma. One thing is for sure: We will NEVER run out of THIS tree stand!!!! Back off, ladies. He is ALL mine.
Queen of my own Magic Kingdom, full of all the irreverent, obnoxious, and sometimes offensive sarcasm you know and love. I don't care what people think of me, but I do care if you like my blog. Read, forward, repeat.
