Attack of the Killer Tomatoes

Do you remember going to the video store (yes, a real store full of videos, which is what we used to call movies that you would rent)? Anyway, you'd walk around all the different categories just hoping something would catch your eye. You could browse the backs of the boxes and read the entire description, usually with some really great scene photos, and you'd take the empty box up to the desk and they'd get you the VHS tape? (Yes, it was a TAPE, not a CD.) So anyway, I remember being fascinated by the box for Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. I never did watch it, but I looked at it every time. I'm a sucker for cheesy horror flicks, period. I don't know why. I like to be scared, but not TOO scared. I need to be able to sleep at night, so it can't be realistically scary, like Michael Myers coming after me on Halloween or the Jeepers Creepers thing as I drive past a dilapidated barn. I could probably handle Friday the 13th as long as I never go camping again, ever. Jaws is great because I'll never ever set foot in a body of water that I can't see in. So I like the cheesy stuff 'cuz obviously I'll never find myself in those situations, right? I always wanted to know exactly HOW the killer tomatoes attacked and what they did, but back then my mom was in charge of the movie renting, and she never let me rent that one. It probably damaged my psyche just a little.

Anyway, there's a house down the street that has a sign out front that just says, "Tomatoes." Oh, there's a little picture of a tomato, too, I guess that's the braille version for blind people driving by real slow reading signs. The sign is right by the road, but the house is way down a driveway, way far back from the road. Every time I drive by, I wonder about those tomatoes, and wonder what the tomato etiquette is. I pretty much get the yard sale concept. The tables are out. The people are out. You park. You get out. You rummage. You barter. You buy or you back off. Whatever. But how does this tomato thing work? Do I just go up to their front door? What if a stupid kid answers? What if it's dinner time? What if it's a creepy man in a wifebeater sucking down his 8th Coors of the morning? Do I have to go IN their house? What if they're murderers?? Is this what the killer tomatoes movie was about all along? Really it was people murdering other people while pretending to be happy farmers? Damn, I wish I'd watched the stupid movie now! What if no one kills me, but the tomatoes are stupid or gross? Do I feel obligated to buy them anyway? At the grocery store I just walk right by tomatoes if they're stupid or gross. I can even be snobby and turn my nose up, I can talk smack to them if I want. "Ugly ass tomatoes. I wouldn't put those in my salad if they paid ME!" But what about if it's some little old lady who just walking-stick walked her 90-year-old ass back to a garden with me to show me her sad tomatoes, and now I don't wanna buy them? What's the etiquette? Can I pretend like at a car lot and just say, "Hmmm.....It really, really looks great and that is just a fantastic price, but I really need to discuss any major produce purchases with my husband first. I'm gonna have to get back to you."

I really want to see that movie now.